


Unforgettable

by dreamingofdragons



Category: K-pop, iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humor, Light Angst, Romance, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 08:19:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18279389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamingofdragons/pseuds/dreamingofdragons
Summary: A year ago you left the YG training programme and B.I behind, when your heart couldn't take any more of your unrequited love. Now you're back to see old friends, including B.I and maybe the old words are truer than you thought; absence really does make the heart grow fonder.





	Unforgettable

**Author's Note:**

> I blame Weekly Idol entirely for this, clobbering me with a flare up of my iKon obsession when I should be writing about Chen! Torn between B.I, Jinhwan and Donghyuk I played the old game with myself: which of them would be the best friend, the lover, and the dirty one-night stand? I hope you enjoy finding out what I decided!

“Are you sure it’s alright, me staying over?”  
My backpack alone was frickin’ huge and the guys didn’t have much space in their dorm to play with. Cramming us both in there was asking for a major tripping hazard unless they covered the backpack or me with a tablecloth and used us to eat dinner off. Donghyuk grinned; his hair bleached all the way back to a dirty white that looked incredible against his dark eyes but must have reduced his hair to the condition of sun-baked straw. He draped an arm around my shoulders, and it was heavy, and familiar, confining and utterly comforting all at once. I’d missed this dork horribly.  
“Yeah! Remember, we’re not in the dorm anymore?”  
“Oh, right! You guys have the houses now.”  
I had totally forgotten. The seven of them had been split between two houses and now each of them had their own room. I brightened, hope swelling in my heart. Maybe Donghyuk would be in a different house from Him. Maybe I would get to see my friends in iKon without having that face assault me with long-buried emotions and memories.  
“They’ll be cool.”  
Donghyuk said confidently and I nodded.  
“Well then, let’s go!”

I was admiring the house and making the appropriate admiring noises about the kitchen – Yunhyeong’s domain – and the spacious living room with its massive, L-shaped sofa with the huge TV loaded up with the latest PS and handsets. Donghyuk showed me the bathroom with casual disregard and I grimaced inwardly. Ack! The bathroom I’d shared in my old place with the girls had been a mess but at least it was a girlish, mostly hygienic mess! Boys were just nasty.   
“…And this is my room!”  
Donghyuk flung the door open with a flourish and my eyes widened at the sight of the tidiness and the big bed and the leather swivel chair resting on the honest-to-God fluffy rug.  
“Wow! This is really nice! It’s like… like the bedroom of an actual grown up!”  
Donghyuk grinned and then wriggled his eyebrows, his dark eyes sparkling with mischief.  
“Me and you in here tonight; let’s see how grown up we can make it.”  
A snort of laughter escaped me, and I laughed back at him.  
“Nice try, player.”  
“Aww, you’re no fun.”  
He whined, but cheer and laughter were still written all over his face. Truthfully, I think if I had snuggled up to him after his proposal and purred some ideas about just how grown up, we could make it into his ears he would have run a mile in the opposite direction. Donghyuk and I had known each other for a long time. We flirted, and it ended right there. He dropped my colossal rucksack onto his bedroom floor in the corner and nodded towards the bed.  
“I changed the sheets and everything!”  
He told me proudly and my eyes rolled so hard they almost dropped out of my head.  
“Sweet of you.”  
I drawled.  
“You’ll need an extra set for the sofa.”

Donghyuk spat out an expletive in shock and I let out an embarrassingly high-pitched yelp. Both of us spinning round we looked with shocked eyes at the figure now leaning against the door frame who had not been there a moment ago.  
“Jesus hyung, are you a freakin’ ninja?”  
Donghyuk yelped. “Make some noise next time, won’t you?”  
“Honey, I’m home.”  
B.I said flatly, his arms folded across his chest. “Donghyuk, get the sheets.”  
My heart was doing an impression of a roller coaster: plummeting down into my feet with dismay. God damn it! Could I just not catch a break? Of course, he shared a house with Donghyuk. When was I ever that lucky? The next moment my confused emotions had my heart swooping right back up again, and higher until it was soaring. The sight of him hit like he was an oasis and I’d been struggling through the desert. His thick, jet hair was cut short but left to fall forward over his thick, decisive eyebrows and as the light hit it, I saw that it was dyed to a rich, ruby red at the roots. It was like the opposite of the dip-dye everyone else on the planet was going. Aw man, I hated him so much, but he was so damn cool.  
“We don’t need a spare set of sheets.”  
Donghyuk said irritably. “I have a double bed.”  
“Which only one of you will be sleeping in.”  
There were times when the iKon leader could be pushed; generally, those times that didn’t involve music or performance, and then the other members romped all over him like a bunch of exceptionally hot and ripped puppies. This was not one of those times. Full mouth set, and his dark eyes hard, Kim Hanbin looked as immovable as Mount Everest just about then. Donghyuk probably knew it better than I did, and he snorted with discontent.  
“Fine.”  
He said moodily. “I’ll make up the sofa later. Noona, your virtue is safe for another day.”  
It just wasn’t possible for my sunshine to be mad for long and even by the end of the sentence his eyes were back to sparkling with humour. I shouldn’t, oh I really shouldn’t but B.I got to me like no one else in the universe. I lived to piss him off. So, twining my arm around Donghyuk’s slender waist I snuggled up to him and nibbled playfully at his shoulder.  
“It doesn’t have to be in a bed, Dongdongie.”  
Donghyuk gave a choked gasp of laughter and I could see B.I’s dark eyes flare with temper. Smart me to put Donghyuk in between us, I congratulated myself. Donghyuk’s long fingers found the gap between my jeans and top and pinched the flesh there lightly, making me yelp.  
“Bitch.”  
He said affectionately. “Stop giving hyung an ulcer.”  
From the safety beneath his arm my eyes met B.I’s from across the room. He was not a happy boy, probably not even at having me stay here but at much as part of me would choose otherwise, a bigger part just craved to be right here with his eyes on me; all riled up because of me. Hate me or love me: just always feel for me, Hanbin. Whatever I had to do, he would at least always notice me. Yeah, well, I never claimed to be mentally healthy.

Five Years Earlier  
The morning’s session had been especially brutal. Some of the girls had started working on core strength in the gym before class and I’d joined in. right now my stomach muscles were screaming lines of pure indignation. Sitting cross-legged on the dance room floor in a sweaty mess, I snorkelled up half a bottle of water and split an apple in two, smearing half with a healthy amount of peanut butter. We weren’t done for the day and anything with carbs in would bloat me up like a puffer fish. Nothing said attractive like farting your way through a dance routine.  
“God, I’m starving! Share with me?”  
Donghyuk fell beside me and I sniffed.  
“Then I’ll be starving!”  
“Aw come on! You know I’ll go out to the combini this afternoon. I’ll get you something great.”  
He whined beseechingly and I made the mistake of looking at him. Immediately hooked on the Puppy Eyes of Doom my willpower caved faster than a home-made mud hut in the path of an avalanche.  
“Fine.”  
I grumbled, dosing up the second half of the apple and handing it to him. Crunching companionably together my eyes skimmed casually over the others in the room. Some had gone to the bathroom, or to the vending machines or just for some fresh air but a few remained. My eyes lingered on Kim Hanbin. Like the other guys he wore what was practically a uniform for male trainees; black jogging bottoms and a sleeveless t-shirt. Like the other male trainees, he was sweaty and his thick, black hair was un-styled. He was handsome but so was everyone else; he was training to be a YG Idol for God’s sake! So, he must have something extra. There must be some other reason my eyes sought out Kim Hanbin more and more. Perhaps it was because in that sleeveless shirt I could see that his shoulders were growing intriguingly broad, and his collarbones were perfect wings. Maybe it was because as he stretched, his jogging bottoms had slumped down a little on his hips. Past a certain age all the guys seemed to come to some mental decision that solid black or white underwear was the manly thing to wear. Hanbin was flashing a little of green and purple stripes and my heart fluttered unexpectedly. I liked that he was an underwear rebel. I liked him. As if drawn by my gaze, he looked over. Blushing scarlet at being caught out gawking at him – and if he knew I was gawking at his underwear I’d die, die, diiiiiieeeeee – I hastily dropped my gaze. A moment later it crept back up again without any conscious decision on my part. He was still staring at me and his lips curved upwards. My heart promptly tried to jump up out of my nose, but I managed an idiotic, toothy beam in return. He’d smiled at me! Kim Hanbin might… might… like me? Seungyoon had walked Lisa home last week. They’d stopped for a McDonalds on the way and they both agreed that it was kind of absolutely probably their first date. Maybe Kim Hanbin would offer to walk me home. At the thought my brain gurgled, liquified and I was left most likely gazing at him with glassy eyes and slack, drooling lips. The day I became Kim Hanbin’s girlfriend was the day I got so overexcited my heart just exploded like an overinflated balloon.

Present Day  
Yunhyeong had promised to cook me something amazing when he and Donghyuk had lured me back from Japan to visit for a while, but from a quiet night in eating risotto and catching up with my best friends, the night rapidly evolved. The guys told the other guys in iKon and they in turn told other people and before we knew it the house was packed with an unplanned YG reunion. Instead of Yunhyeong’s famous risotto we ordered in and the sleek worksurfaces were soon crammed with boxes of things to grab. The booze piled up and I just had time to shower and change into the least-creased thing in my backpack and hastily smear on fresh makeup when the front door was flung open and the other five members of iKon were suddenly there spilling through the door.  
“Noonaaaaaaaa!”  
Chanwoo yelled me he saw me, charging across the room and scooping me up.  
“Baby boy! Or… actually, not so babyish. Jesus, Chanie, how much have you grown?”  
My arms draped around his impressively broad shoulders and my feet dangling in the air, I looked at him in astonishment and he laughed, blushing a little. Wow, baby boy was growing up fast! Like the height and new musculature wasn’t killer enough; those huge brown eyes and killer smile might just be the final nail in the coffin.  
“I’m manly now, right noona?”  
He said proudly and God, he was so cute with those big eyes I could just snuggle him to death. If they made life size iKon pillows, I’d buy one for sure and wrap myself around it whenever I was sad. I might buy one for B.I as well; and take turn either punching or getting downright X-Rated depending on how I felt for the jerk at the time.  
“Way manly! What do they say, the shoulders and thighs make a man? Yours are better than B.I’s now!”  
Sorry, sorry! I’m a bitch. I can’t help it! And seeing his jaw clench slightly from across the room just gave me so much satisfaction. Then my attention turned to different targets. “And as for height, well… that’s a given.”  
I smirked at Jinhwan and the vertically challenged Prince Charming rolled his eyes and discreetly flipped me off. Laughing, I kissed Chanwoo’s hot cheek and strolled across to my ex-boyfriend; holding my arms out enticingly. He gave a snort.  
“Not bloody likely.”  
He scoffed, but almost immediately gave in. Stepping into the familiar circle of his arms, I hugged him tightly. He pulled me tighter; moulding my body to his and for a moment I closed my eyes and buried my face against his throat. Every inch of him was absolutely familiar and as I breathed in the mingled scents of shower gel, deodorant, his favourite aftershave and the tang of fresh sweat they triggered an avalanche of sensory memories. We’d dated for a year, back when we were trainees and we’d done well together but no relationship can last through the minefield of emotions I had for his groupmate. The split had been amicable, though and when I finally emerged from the warmth and comfort of his neck his eyes were warm and heavy. I’d lost my virginity with this guy and I’d never regretted it for a second. Kissing me softly on the lips he murmured,  
“Tokyo was OK?”  
With the familiarity of a man who kept up to date with all my comings and goings via frequent chat and phone calls.  
“Tokyo was awesome. I bought you a couple of things.”  
I told him and he smiled, gently detaching from me.  
“I’ll look forward to seeing them. I need to shower. Do you need a bed for tonight?”  
“Naw. Donghyuk is giving up his.”  
“Erm, no, he definitely isn’t.”  
Donghyuk mocked from nearby. “I offered to let you share my bed but now that hyung has laid down the law you get the sofa, baby.”  
“You make me sleep on the sofa and I’m creeping into your bedroom to tickle your ankles while you’re asleep and pretending that I’m a tarantula.”  
“You would as well, wouldn’t you?”  
He accused with wounded eyes. “I have a lock on my door. Ha!”  
“Did Donghyuk tell you that we have people coming around? Everyone wants to see you.”  
Jinhwan changed the subject neatly before we really got going. Wise of him.  
“Really?”  
I glanced over at Donghyuk and he shrugged helplessly.  
“You haven’t been back in Seoul for months! What could I do?”  
“A rain check on the risotto?”  
I said wistfully to Yunhyeong and he laughed.  
“I’ll make you risotto whenever you want.”  
He promised and I blew him a kiss in gratitude.

Four Years Ago.  
“Would you do GD?”  
A group of the girls were hanging oh so casually around the training rooms. Big Bang were in the house, y’all! Not that they didn’t rehearse but when they did, YG usually took pains to keep them out of the way so a bunch of hormonal, over-excitable little sluts like my friends and I didn’t do exactly this.  
“Nah. He’s too short. TOP all the way for me.”  
“But he’s so old. And Seungri is so funny.”  
“He loves himself more than he’d ever love you. Taeyang all the way. Now that guy knows how to treat a woman!”  
“He does indeed. He’s had enough practice from treating his girlfriend well for the past hundred years! Now Daesung is single. And God knows how he’s single when he is the cutest, sweetest, most ripped honey bunny on the planet.”  
“I’d do GD.”  
I said decisively, checking out the gorgeous face with its even more gorgeous eyes and currently burnt orange hair. “I mean, did you see Fantastic Baby? Wah! I’d do him like ten times!”  
There was an explosion of giggles and the man himself glanced our way with the most adorable look of amusement and deep unease. I guess that a bunch of teenage girls gathered in a huddle, leering at him like a pack of hyenas over a limping zebra might be kind of intimidating to a guy even when said guy was super famous and crazy rich. I wiggled my fingers at him in greeting, prompting another explosion of giggles, sniggers and whistles and G -Dragon arched his eyebrows and turned back to his bandmates with a grin twitching at his lips. Yeah, he didn’t look ready to let me do him ten times any time soon.

A door opened and a swarm of male trainees spilled out of the training room. Big Bang finally decided that enough was enough and disappeared inside their rehearsal room. Groaning with disappointment, my friends and I looked elsewhere for entertainment.  
“So, what about Donghyuk?”  
One of my girls asked impatiently. “I gave him my number. Is he interested or is he not? Cos’ if he isn’t then I’m moving on to Taehyun. He’s your bestie. I swear to God the two of you share one brain sometimes.”  
“He likes you! He likes you!”  
I protested, fending off her pinching hands. “But I don’t think he knows he’s on a deadline. Don’t ask for a grand gesture like a phone call when you know the thought brings him out in a sweat. Snuggle up to him at home time and tell him that you’re hungry or something. He’ll take you out to eat and there won’t be any drama.”  
“You’re so smart!”  
She cooed, rummaging through her training bag and frantically checking to see if her home clothes were suitable for oh so casually go grab a burger with the guy she’d been hooked on for months.

“Hey.”  
A softer, deeper voice interrupted a deep discussion of exactly who amongst the guys was worthy of our attention. Looking up, I felt my heart jump so hard in my chest that it hurt. Hanbin had pushed his sweaty hair straight back from his face and Jesus those cheekbones, those eyes, that mouth would be the death of me. One day my heart would jump so hard and shoot out the top of my skull, I was sure.  
“Hey Hanbin.”  
I replied, a little shy with the girls around me. Oddly, I hadn’t ever shared my thing for Hanbin with them. It went deeper than the usual gossip and after a year of patiently, so patiently waiting for him to make a move or something, if it came to pass that he just plain didn’t like me then it would be a pain that was just too deep to share. He’d shrugged into an old hoodie and the thing was so well-worn and washed that the original purple colour had faded to a pastel lilac. It suited him, but then black suited him, and white. Red looked downright incredible on him! Let’s face it, the boy would look amazing in a potato sack.  
“GD is around today, did you see?”  
He asked me. I turned red as the girls snickered.  
“I saw him.”  
I admitted. Discomfited by the laughter, Hanbin was rummaging through his bag with a fascination like it held some priceless treasure. His eyes flicked briefly up to mine.  
“I was thinking, we could… we could maybe have him listen to that piece we were working on for composition class?”  
His voice was shaking ever so slightly, and I wondered why. I knew that he idolised GD. That must be why. Having him listen to one of his songs must be excruciatingly nerve wracking. Actually, it was. I’d upped my game because I was working with Hanbin and he was so damn good. I’d put my heart and soul into this song, and if GD didn’t like it, I’d always think it was because of my influence in it and part of me would forever die inside.  
“Really?”  
I squeaked, feeling myself pale so abruptly that I was left a little dizzy.  
“Yeah! I think it’s really got something. If GD can help us refine it a little. We… we work really well together, huh?”  
“Oh, do you now?”  
Lisa cooed as the other girls dissolved into laughter. “You’re working really well with Hanbinnie, huh?”  
“Oh, shut your mouth.”  
I hissed as Hanbin turned an interesting shade of heart attack purple. I was blushing so hard that all the blood in my body had to have been redirected to my face. My toes felt bloodless. “Um, yeah. Yeah, Hanbin. When do you want to go and ask him?”  
But Hanbin was already turning away, pulling his hood up against his scarlet cheeks.  
“Another time.”  
He mumbled. “Wasn’t important.”  
And as he stalked off to a barrage of catcalls, I wanted to beat my head against the wall. Damn it!

Three Years Earlier  
The whole place was buzzing. Win had been such a massive opportunity for a lucky five and the newly formed Winner were high as kites off the show. Much less high were the unlucky group B. Jinhwan was two years older than me and he tended to hang out with a different set but recently we’d been spending more time together. He was wicked gorgeous, and he made me laugh. Rubbing his back, I murmured,  
“This really sucks, Jay.”  
He’d showered and changed after the announcement and now his honey brown hair was pulled into a cute little ponytail. Twisting round he opened his arms.  
“Gimme a hug?”  
He asked with pitiful, little boy eyes. How was a girl supposed to refuse? Stepping into his arms I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed tight. Pressing his cheek against mine he sighed and held on. “It really does suck.”  
Draping his arms around my shoulders he clasped his hands behind my neck, and I giggled, caught by surprise at the cute move. His chocolate brown eyes were warm and heavy as they gazed sleepily into mine. “But not the end of the world. If I debuted now, then I’d see much less of you.”  
My eyes widened and I felt myself blushing. Jinhwan gave me an amused look. “Although you could make my life easier and save me from eternal trainee-hood by just agreeing to go out with me.”  
For the first time in my life I started to stutter.  
“I didn’t… I didn’t think you liked me like that!”  
“I like you like that.”  
He drawled laconically and gave me a crooked grin. “Surprise!”  
Now this was what I’d always wanted from Hanbin. Jinhwan liked me, so he asked me out. No guessing or drama required. And when was the world ever easy? Right situation… wrong boy. I really liked Jinhwan, but he wasn’t the one so permanently on my mind that he ran permanently in the background like an antivirus. And talking of my own, personal antivirus… Hanbin looked wrecked. His face was so pale, and his jaw so set that he looked like he’d been carved out of marble. He’d been the team leader of team B and it looked like he’d taken the loss hard. Oh God, poor Hanbin. Just at that second, he looked over and I shot him a sympathetic smile. He didn’t smile back at me. For a moment his pale skin turned almost grey and his dark eyes seemed sunken into suddenly reddened sockets. Spinning around he stalked away, heading through the door that led up to the rooftop garden. I mumbled something, detangling myself gently from Jinhwan’s hold and he smiled, stepping back.  
“I’ll wait.”  
He promised me gently. Oh God, sometimes life could suck utterly in the best possible way.

Hanbin sat up on the roof garden with his head in his hands and his shoulders slumped.  
“Hanbin?”  
Padding quietly over to him, I rested a hand on his shoulder. “I’m really sorry.”  
He clearly hadn’t heard me approaching and he jumped, his head ducking and his hand swiping hard at his face. His wet face. Oh no, he’d been crying, and I’d come running over here like the world’s biggest dope. “There’ll be other chances, you know? Win wasn’t the only chance to debut, just to debut as Winner.”  
And Winner already had a powerhouse composing team in Seungyoon and Mino. Those two worked well together and if Hanbin – sorry, B.I now – had joined the team it would have been a three-way bloodbath for creative control. He snorted and his voice was thick and wet with emotion.  
“So, some time down the line they’ll maybe get around to putting me somewhere. Second place. The afterthought.”  
“No one thinks you’re an afterthought!”  
I protested, stunned that he could doubt his undeniable talent. Jesus, even GD rated this guy! “They rate you! They think you’re so talented.”  
“They passed me over!”  
He raged, his wet dark eyes suddenly flaring phosphorescent with pain and fury. It all came spilling out and I… well, I was the one standing right there, mouthing platitudes, wasn’t I? “Everything that I believed they thought about me, I was wrong. And it hurts! I feel like they carved my fucking heart of my chest and they changed to way I see myself forever. And you come over here trying to tell me that everything is fine? It isn’t! But if you lost something like this, what would you care anyway? You’re so talented but you treat this opportunity just like high school. You come in and you giggle with your girlfriends and you give some half-assed attempt at the dance routines and composition and you’re still better than most everyone in here! And they’re just waiting to place you and what the fuck have you done to deserve it!”  
I stood there, frozen at the unexpected assault. I couldn’t move a muscle. I felt like he’d just detonated a bomb in the centre of my chest and the pain was indescribable. I thought so much about him and I’d been waiting for so long; thinking that he liked me just as much. And all the time this was what he thought of me? Some silly, frilly, frivolous girl who cared more about gossip and boys than she did about music and dance. This shallow creature getting by on God-given talent but certainly not building upon that with any hard work or dedication. For a second, I saw this new version of myself reflected in his dark eyes and something crumpled inside me. Spinning on my heel, I ran.

Two Years Earlier.  
Laughing breathlessly, we tumbled into the empty practice room and made sure to shut the door. Jinhwan had been wrapped up in Mix and Match and I’d been placed with a group of five other girls that were destined to become my groupmates. We were seeing less of each other so opportunities like this had to be grasped when they arose. Grasped with enthusiasm, I thought with an inward smile as Jinhwan pressed me against the cold glass of the mirror and kissed me like he hadn’t seen me for a century. Twining my arms around his neck I thread my fingers through his cool, silken hair and parted my lips slightly beneath his. He tasted of the cherry lollipop he’d been sucking on and the addictive sweetness lingered on his tongue. The kisses ran together, barely stopping to breathe and when he caught me beneath the knee and eased my leg up to wrap around his waist, he rocked his hips gently and pleasure was a sweet and sharp ache in my core. My hungry hands found the waistband of his jogging bottoms and plunged down the back; discovering the swell of his butt in the soft and clingy stuff of his underwear. His breath hitched, rocking against me more purposefully in response and God but he felt so good. He was rock hard already and I felt a surge of power and triumph until it occurred to me that I was soaking wet and grinding on him with want. Exactly who had the power here was a hazy area, clearly. Unzipping my hoodie with unsteady hands he filled his free hand with my breast, rolling his thumb around and around my nipple until I could have screamed. I wanted his hand to stay there forever. I wanted to pull his head down so his mouth could close around that throbbing peak instead. I wanted to feel his clothed dick pressing against me and I wanted to push him to the floor, pull down his sweats and underwear and straddle him like a bareback rider. I wanted everything, and all at once.  
“Jay, please, please!”  
His pupils were so dilated that his chocolate brown orbs were swallowed up by hungry black. Shaking, he caught hold of the bottom of my practice T and dragged it up above my breasts. My sports bra was hardly the sexiest thing in the world, meant to strap the girls down hard and without taking the whole thing off, it was shifting nowhere. Figuring this out, Jinhwan compromised. Pressing his mouth above my clothed breast he mouthed at me through the material, his tongue rasping over the Lycra and even through the thick material I felt like I’d just been electrocuted. One hand staying tangled in his hair, the other went exploring. The skin beneath his shirt felt so silken and the long line of his neck was deliciously enticing. Just to retaliate for him turning me into such a writhing, gasping mess I pressed a kiss to that flawless line and then bit him. Jinhwan jumped like I’d really sunk my teeth in, his body stiffening and his eyes rolling back.  
“You’re killing me.”  
He rasped, releasing me briefly just to plunge his hand down the front of my jogging bottoms and then my panties. The moment his hand touched my drenched folds I spasmed hard; already on the brink.  
“More!”  
“Bite me again.”  
He countered and God, if I’d had any idea how much he liked it I would have started nibbling on the boy months ago. His neck was already a little red and I pressed my teeth to the abused flesh, biting down lightly. He gasped, his fingers stiffening and intentionally or not curling around my clit just so. Oh God, he was going to bring me right in the middle of the dance studio, and I wanted it more than anything in the world.

It was like being shoved into the Antarctic Ocean when the door opened. The rush of cold horror was so much worse when I recognised the young man who walked into the dance studio before realising that it was already occupied. From across the room my eyes met B.I’s and Jinhwan had his back to him; he didn’t realise that anyone had come in. B.I took in the situation at a glance. I could see his intelligent dark eyes taking in the hoodie shoved off my shoulders and the T pushed to above my breasts; the leg wrapped around Jinhwan’s waist and the hand he had down my pants. A look blossomed on his face that I’d never seen before: indecipherable to me but we hadn’t talked or interacted at all since that night on the rooftop. My resentment of his treatment was a scalding poison in my belly and if is was that simple I’d be OK, but all the old emotion was there, as well. Love and loathing, resentment and longing and in that moment, even if it was on the worst of all circumstances his eyes were on me. He was looking at me, he saw me with those inscrutable onyx eyes and the hand between my legs became B.I’s. It was his long, skilful fingers touching me just right; his eyes locked on mine as his body pressed as close as he could get, and the orgasm was a tidal wave crashing through me. For a while the whole world went away and when it came back again, B.I was gone.

Present Day  
Our friends started to arrive not long after and my ears rang with girlish shrieks of joy, even as my throat was sore with answering noise. Honestly, considering that women were supposed to be the superior sex at communicating, we could say an awful lot with sufficiently high-pitched squeals. Stepping into my best girl friend’s arms I held on for the mother of all hugs. I’d known what I was getting into when I left YG to go backpacking around Asia, but I’d left my closest friends behind. I had made new ones; brand new friends that were all about my new choices of relaxation, adventure and fun but maybe friends that you had loved so much weren’t so easily replaced. Maybe I had been lonelier and more adrift than I’d realised. Her arms tightened; her hand stroking over my hair.  
“Welcome home, kiddo.”  
Home. I was home.

I accepted a drink off Donghyuk, helping myself off his plate as he bitched good-naturedly, and it was like the drink had been a potion to go back in time. For an hour or two I was once again a YG trainee, standing on the verge of my debut with my girls and the future was dazzling and terrifying both. For a moment, the decision I’d made tasted too bittersweet to swallow and my breath hitched. Excusing myself, I left the room and walked out to the balcony off the kitchen. The Seoul evening was hot and humid, but I slumped against the balcony and breathed it in. This was the first time I’d seen everyone since I left, is all. And backpacking was never meant to be a permanent solution. I’d just needed to get out of the whole YG system. I wanted to sleep in ‘til noon and eat as much junk food as I could stuff down my face without throwing up. I wanted to stretch out on the sofa and binge watch the TV shows I never had time for. I wanted to be a normal teenager. Maybe it was time to come back to Seoul. I could rent a room and attend university. If I worked a part time job, I could afford it. But a burst of laughter had be tuning back into one of the conversations going on inside.  
“…And we were in the car for so long. I was dying to pee! Seriously, I was almost crying I wanted to go so bad, but we were in the middle of goddamn nowhere! I mean, there were rice fields, and ditches, and nothing else. So, I just had to say to the manager pull over right now! So, he did, and everyone was telling me that I can’t possibly pee on the side of the road; the media would go crazy! And I’m like we haven’t seen a single person out here for the last hour and my kidneys are going to explode. So, everyone politely turned their back and I was squatting in a ditch groaning in absolute ecstasy when someone very politely cleared their throat behind me. And there’s this goddamn ninety-year-old farmer watching me pee! And he says, not like the plants are going to up and die or anything but literally two minutes down the road there’s a rest stop, miss.”  
There was an eruption of laughter and I grinned helplessly before my smile slid off my face. God, my chest hurt.

The glass door slid open with a soft clunking noise and I jumped, ready to spill some bullshit excuse about why I was out here alone when there was a party meant to celebrate my homecoming going on inside without me. And then I saw who it was, and the words died on my lips. No bullshit necessary. B.I came to stand beside me, his arms draped over the railing with a beer dangling from his elegant, long fingers as he looked out over Seoul. Wondering what the hell he was doing there, I shrugged inwardly. This was probably the closest I’d stood to him in years.

The silence continued but it was oddly relaxing. I was left with my thoughts and my hurts but the quiet presence of his body beside me made me feel less alone. I sneaked a glance at him. These days iKon’s leader B.I didn’t need to dress like a trainee. For four years I’d seen him in precious little but black jogging bottoms and sleeveless T-shirts, with the occasional hoodie for a splash of colour. These days iKon had success, and B.I had money and more confidence. The black converse and skinny jeans were paired with a stormy blue, sleeveless T-shirt that clung lightly to the toned torso beneath it. The raven and ruby hair was washed and styled, and I could smell the faint, tangy notes of some citrus scent.  
“We… um, they were excited to hear you were coming back to Seoul.”  
I’d been so long in the sight of him that his words made me jump. He didn’t look at me, just looked straight ahead into the night. “You shouldn’t be out here on your own when they missed you.”  
“If this is going to be another lecture about my responsibilities, B.I, I’m going to punch you.”  
He bristled by the side of me.  
“Don’t you need to hear it?”  
He snapped, his black eyes beginning to glitter. “Who was telling you at the time? Who’s going to tell you now? You’re you and everything you do is solid gold, so taking off around Asia for a year is so crazy and so exciting and so adventurous. Never mind that you threw away five years of your life and something that you loved.”  
All good words. It was impressive really that he spat them out like my friends were calling me dumb, and irresponsible and so goddamn stupid!  
“You’ll tell me, no doubt!”  
I snapped back, my temper rising. “But when have you ever held back from letting me know exactly what you think of me?”  
Oddly enough, he seemed to flinch a little at that, but we were arguing, oh yes and B.I was never going to run away from a fight.  
“And wasn’t I right?”  
He retorted. “Won’t you at least admit that I was right?”

One Year Earlier  
“Are you freakin’ insane?”  
A year older than me, just debuted, and iKon still came by to the practice rooms most days. They didn’t have class with the trainees anymore and it was rehearsal rather than dance training and vocal practice, but they were still around. Always still around! How the hell was I supposed to move on and truly be successful in starving B.I from my brain when there was still a constant flow of him to feed my addiction? And he’d worked his ass off during Win, then Show Me the Money 3 and Mix and Match almost on top of each other and even if he cried on the rooftop sometimes, he never gave up. And he got there, just as I told him he would. iKon was official a YG group and he was Leader Nim. And I was leaving. From this morning I wasn’t even a YG trainee any more. And B.I certainly had some opinions about it. “Of all the irresponsible, self-destructive, stupid things to do!”  
“What’s so stupid?”  
I flashed back. “That I finally want my life back? I’ve been like a robot for the past four years: dance and sing and write, go to bed and repeat. On and on and on! Well, I’ve had enough!”  
“You’re just about to debut!”  
B.I was either going to start pulling his hair out or throttle me; it could go either way.  
“And that makes a difference? Dance, sing, sleep, repeat!”  
“It’ll be so much more than that and you know it! Writing your own material and having all those people listen to it. Having something come into the world that would never have existed without you; that will linger long after you’ve gone. Performing to packed out arenas and having them sing those words right back at you because they resonate deeper than you ever expected they could. For the songs alone, this life makes us immortal.”  
Tears burned in my eyes at his beautiful, passionate words. Oh God, why did you have to say anything, B.I? Even after that night on the rooftop, he’d still been around. And then he wasn’t; he moved on and being around the same YG training rooms and studios without him felt like I’d lost something vital from my life. I wasn’t leaving because of him – I wasn’t that much of an idiot – but I was starting to think that the only way to finally get over this boy was to cut myself away from him completely. And I needed to get over him. He was never coming around, but my treacherous heart didn’t care, it beat solely for Kim Hanbin and the older I got the more I found it was possible to love him even without any encouragement at all.  
“Why would I want to be immortal?”  
I whispered. “I’m just a silly, feckless little girl.”  
This time he really did flinch. His hand extended to me, a look on his face that was almost beseeching before he stopped, and slowly the hand fell away.  
“What are you trying to get me to say?”  
He asked bitterly. “Like those words mattered to you at all?”  
“Didn’t they?”  
My voice was low in the practice room as finally I was honest with him. “So why do I feel like if you cut me open right now, you’d find them carved into my heart and still bleeding?”

Present Day  
And… then I left. I left YG and Seoul. I left Korea entirely, and all my friends. But oddly enough I couldn’t leave him, not entirely. For the last year I carried him with me whenever I went, just as I’d carried him in my heart for the past five years. For me, he truly was immortal.  
“Fine!”  
I spat, smacking him on the chest. “You were right! Is that what you wanted to hear? You were right. I should never have left. Does that feel good, B.I? Are they the words you wanted to hear? I hope you choke on them!”  
And smacking him again just because it felt really, really good I went to stalk away from him. So far, so familiar and I made it into the kitchen. Only this time, something different happened. This time, he stopped me. Putting his hand flat against the fridge at head height, he used his superior height and weight to body block me. I felt my jaw drop slightly. Well, this was new.  
“And what is this?”  
I asked, a little amused. He flushed but his jaw clenched, and he stayed right where he was. Funny, I hadn’t realised just how much taller B.I was than me. I was an inch shorter than Jinhwan which had made things… interesting when we’d dated but B.I was almost six feet tall. With his hand against the wall and his body looming over me, a pleasurable shiver worked its way down my spine. Oh God, don’t say that I was getting turned on by his Neanderthal bullshit? I put my hands flat against his chest to shove him off me but the heat of his body kind of took me by surprise. The solidity of him was a revelation; after so long with him haunting my thoughts. He was so very real. So, I just stood there, my hands pressed against him, and he swallowed.  
“Maybe it’s not what I want to hear but what you really need to hear.”  
His voice was soft and deep, and I looked up at him in surprise. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what you said to me when you left. Those things I said to you… I was hurting. I was so angry and so disappointed, and I lashed out like a kid. But God, how could you believe them…?”  
“How could I believe them?”  
My eyes widened. “You’re dumping this on me? Now that you purposefully said the most hurtful, vitriolic things you could think of but that I believed them when my self-esteem wasn’t clad in pure steel?”  
His answer was to put his second hand flat on the fridge behind me. Suddenly I was finding it a little hard to catch my breath. There was an awful lot of B.I a lot closer to me than he’d ever been. But if he was thinking he could use that size advantage to intimidate me then he was picking on the wrong damn woman! Still with my hands on his chest, I took a step forward and from being close, we were suddenly really fucking clooooooooose. I looked up at him and my heart faltered. The long line of his pale throat, the flawless jawline, the full and perfect lips… B.I ducked his head a little; and the hair fell forward like a curtain. This close I could smell the tang of beer on his breath as I breathed him in, straight from his lungs to mine.  
“You know, since that night you only ever call me B.I.”  
“That’s your name now, isn’t it?”  
I snapped, disconcerted that he’d noticed. Changing him from Hanbin to B.I had been a cunning survival strategy on my part. He’d moved on from the shy boy I’d fallen for hard in class: he’d evolved. For my own peace of mind, I should do the same. He shook his head.  
“Hearing my name on your lips made my heart jump.”  
He admitted. “When you started to call me B.I it was like a slap in the face repeatedly how badly I messed up. But two of the worst things that ever happened to me happened within the space of an hour. Win… and then Jinhwan.”  
“Jinhwan?”  
I was startled, barely recalling the night he first asked me out because of what immediately followed it.  
“He just asked you out!”  
The muscles in his arms rippled as he tensed. “He liked you and he just asked you! Like I hadn’t been trying to work up the nerve for years. He was braver than I was; better than I was just like Seungyoon was better than I was on the night and I lost Winner and I lost any chance I had with you.”  
Standing within the bracket of his arms, I felt so shocked that my brain was just a cool, staticky white. He liked me? All these years Kim Hanbin had liked me? Really, there was just one thing to do.  
“Ow!”  
He protested as I smacked him a good one onto his chest. “Owwwww! What the hell?”  
“Man up, you wimp!”  
I exploded. “If you’d even been able to look me in the eye for five seconds and show me even that you were vaguely interested, I could have asked you!”  
“Man up?”  
He snapped, his eyes beginning to flash. I glowered into them fearlessly, thoroughly pissed off at the years of moping and sad love song-listening he’d inflicted upon me.  
“Man… Up!”  
I spat through gritted teeth. I had a moment when I saw something pass behind B.I’s eyes that I regretted my words a tiny bit. I’d gotten good at provoking him by now, hadn’t I? This might be my best effort yet. Because B.I did what he’d manfully fought off for all this time at my prodding; this time he snapped.  
“Man up.”  
He gritted, his eyes absolutely boiling. “Fine!”  
And bending his arms in a standing push up that pressed his body in close against mine, he dropped one to tangle in my hair and pull my head backwards. His lips claimed mine a second later.

Our lips met and the rush of disbelieving delight almost brought me to my knees. I was kissing Hanbin! I remember being fifteen and daydreaming of him taking me out to McDonalds. In those dreams, he had stolen a kiss at the end of the night; under the romantic spotlight of the subway station if I remembered rightly and it had been soft and sweet enough to thrill my romantic, virgin soul. The reality was different. If Hanbin had kissed me like this when I was fifteen, I would have fainted with terror and run home to mommy as fast as my legs would carry me. His lips slanted against mine, teeth bruising the soft flesh a little and his tongue soothing the small hurt. Heat screamed through me and I wasn’t a delicate maiden to be ravished. I had wanted him for too damn long! I returned kiss for kiss, our tongues twining then sucking that slick muscle into my mouth. The taste of him was addictive: the burn of alcohol over a sweetness that I could only assume was Hanbin himself. My body was pressing up against his to get closer, with the unintended consequence of grinding his thigh up between my legs. The stimulation was working for me. Oh, fuck I was burning up! He caught hold of one of my thighs and pulled it up, breaking the contact with his thigh but pressing me up against something so much better. Fifteen-year-old me had never spent any time wondering about Hanbin’ package; older me just a little bit more. Such a shame: the rigid bulge straining the fabric of his jeans seemed to be worth dwelling on. And then he broke away.

“B.I?”  
Shock and dismay were like a bucket of cold water poured over my head. B.I wrapped an arm around my neck and pulled me in against his side: the muscular press of his bicep making me feel deliciously feminine.  
“Got to get out of here.”  
He rasped against her ear. “What’s coming next doesn’t need an audience.”  
Oh! Oh, thank you little baby Jesus he wasn’t pulling away. And then… ooh! Once he made his mind up about something B.I was a very determined boy. His arm around me and mine wrapped around his slim waist we skirted the party to where his bedroom door stood a little ajar and he pulled me inside. Before I had the chance to check out his private space with voracious nosiness, he caught me up and tumbled back onto his neatly made bed. His body over mine; the way his thick thighs slotted between mine just flat out did it for me and it was like an electric current was being redirected through my body. Catching hold of his thick hair I pulled his head down and kissed him until I ran out of oxygen.  
“Like I wanted.”  
He was mumbling feverishly against my throat. “Just like I wanted so bad…”  
Whatever he had been imagining for all these years, the reality of it had turned him on so hard and so fast that I just had to hold on for the ride. Not that it was any sort of hardship. His elegant hands on my breasts, massaging the silken jersey against my skin had me gasping for air. Touching, and plotting as I discovered soon enough. B.I eased the pretty little demi bra beneath my breasts, his skilful fingers rolling the nipples until my breath was coming out in choked little whimpers. The damn dress had a high neckline and an open back. I would have sold my soul for it to be the other way around but B.I could improvise better than I could, clearly. Pulling at my sleeves he eased them off my shoulders and down my arms, pulling the neckline down over my breasts and freeing them up to the warm air. It left me bound by my own clothing, my skirt pushed up and my arms held down by this man. I cried out as his hands touched bare skin, caressing my breasts as his head ducked down and for the first time, he pulled one of those hard, aching nipples into his mouth. The effect was immediate: heat and liquid drenching my core and he chuckled softly, the vibrations making my eyes roll backwards in my head. B.I moaned, his hips grinding down into my thigh instinctively.  
“You’re the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”  
He rasped. “Like a fantasy, giving yourself up to pleasure.”  
He eased his free hand down between them to touch the delicate material of my silky panties, the material dragging aside, and his fingers encountered just how much in need of him I was. His thumb caressed the swollen bud between them, and the sensation was off the charts; my body arching up against his.   
“I want to touch you.”  
I pleaded. “Help me out of this dress.”  
His smile was pure evil.  
“Not a chance. Right now, you’re mine.”  
And he slid the first of his fingers inside me. Bound by the dress, at his mercy I came harder than I ever had in my life.

He pulled the dress up over my head and I unsnapped my bra as the currently useless piece of underwear it was. Sitting there in nothing but a pair of panties with ravished hair I might have felt a little uncomfortable, especially as he was still fully dressed but B.I was looking at me in a way that I’d never seen before. He looked wrecked; his pupils so dilated with arousal that he looked blind and his cheekbones painted with hectic red. His chest was heaving, and he was so hard that those skinny jeans had to be cutting off some blood flow. Kneeling on the mattress I took hold of the hem of his shirt.  
“Let me see you now.”  
I murmured and he nodded fast, lifting his arms to let me pull the shirt up over his head. Oddly enough, I’d never seen him shirtless before and my dazed eyes drank in the sight of him: broad shoulders and dark, pebbled nipples leading down to a stomach quilted with muscle and the slant of his hipbones before the jeans took over. My fingertips ran over his skin, seeing if it really was as soft as it looked, and smiled like a cat when his stomach sucked in with his sharp inhale as my fingertips grazed over his stomach. Making my mind up, I pushed him back onto the bed and he fell with an “oomph!” Straddling him, I shivered at the sensation of his soft denim jeans rasping against my inner thighs, but this wasn’t about me now. Unsnapping his jeans, taking my time because I admit it, tormenting B.I had become a favourite pastime over the past few years, I rose up on my knees and he obligingly lifted his hips, letting me slide the jeans down his long legs. Oh. Oooooh boy. The dark red briefs were snug as hell for the line of his jeans and the way he was filling them right now made all the blood leave my head and spill down south. Sprawled beneath me, he somehow found the composure to lift his eyebrows.  
“Well?”  
He drawled, snarkily. “Did you just want to look?”  
I might not even want to do that! He was… erm… blessed. Never mind looking at him, I was fighting the urge to scream “snake!” and call animal control. For now, the only thing standing between me and that thing was his red underwear and it was staying put, thanks very much!

He just tasted so good! My tongue slid over one of his nipples, sucking on him and he moaned, deep in his throat. Working my way down his chest, I loved how his stomach muscles fluttered as my mouth pressed against his skin. His hands were tangled in his hair in self-restraint; his mouth swollen from kisses as his teeth caught on his full lower lip. He was beyond anything that I’d even imagined. My hands teasingly brushed at the band on his underwear. He closed his eyes, rasping breathing in my ears.  
“We don’t… have to.”  
Oh, but we did. Five years of longing and waiting and frustration had caught up with me with a vengeance. I eased the briefs over him and down over his thighs and he finally kicked them free. Catching hold of my waist, I gasped as he rolled us over like a shark. Looking up at him above me; sweaty black hair hanging into his scalding eyes and the last barrier I had against him caved in. I reached up for him, but he held back.  
“Say my name.”  
He demanded and I squirmed, glaring up at him mutinously and working myself against his thigh until he shifted his body; my knees hugging his hips. Bastard!  
“B.I.”  
I muttered ungraciously. His eyes flared and he ducked his head; lips against my ear.  
“Say… my… name.”  
And his white teeth sank into my earlobe. My whole body spasmed and I wrapped an arm around his back and one around his waist’ wrapping my legs around his waist until my knees rested in the small of his back.  
“Hanbin. Hanbin, please!”  
It was the first time I’d called him that in years and a tremor ran through him. Supporting his weight on his elbows he slid inside me.

He held onto his bedframe for traction; those dancer’s hips snapping forward, and he reached so deep and felt so good that despite years of having to be quiet and burying my moans against Jinhwan’s skin my cries escaped me. His pubic bone rubbed against my clit as he moved; adding another layer of sensation but every time he slid inside me, he was brushing over a certain spot that I’d never known existed. My nails were digging into his back and I was so close; I felt the pleasure building and building… He looked down at me, our eyes connecting.  
“Love you so much.”  
He rasped, holding my eyes as he used those wickedly flexible hips just one more time, and the world shattered around me.

We lay snuggled in bed together, Hanbin on his back with me curled up against his chest. Aftershocks still rippled through my body; nerve endings sparking randomly. His arm was warm and heavy around me and I hooked one leg over his, my hands running possessively over his ribcage. His skin was so soft!  
“You have that look in your eyes.”  
Hanbin commented wryly from the bed, his eyes half closed and faintly amused. My eyebrows arched.  
“What look?”  
“That look you get when you see a pretty dress or a chocolate doughnut. Purely determined acquisition.”  
I snorted contemptuously.  
“Like you should put yourself in the same league as a chocolate doughnut.”  
But my lips were twitching despite myself. He laughed softly and his eyes were softer and dreamier than I’d ever seen them. We were silent for a while and then I couldn’t keep the question in any longer.  
“So, are you?”  
I asked tensely.   
“Am I what?”  
He asked lazily.  
“My chocolate doughnut?”  
His eyes opened wide and then he was laughing; absolutely doubled up beneath me on the bed. Well I’m so thrilled that I amuse him so much! Once he finally recovered, he grinned up at me, his fingers framing my skull with exquisite gentleness.  
“Yeah.”  
He said softly. “I’m your doughnut. I will always be your doughnut.”  
And my heart melted. Whatever pieces of me I’d been holding back from Hanbin for my own protection, the final wall crumbled into dust. He was my doughnut and I would always be utterly and completely his. Leaning down, my lips pressed against his as we sealed our promise with the sweetest kiss.

It was late. Or incredibly early, depending on your viewpoint. Sitting in the chair near the window I watched dawn touch the edges of the horizon with rose and gold.  
“Don’t think I didn’t notice that I made up the sofa so nicely for nothing, you dirty girl.”  
I almost levitated, my hands clutching over my heart as I came about two seconds away from dying. Grinning and thoroughly satisfied with his response Donghyuk sauntered over. Uncapping a bottle of water from the fridge he slumped down on the sofa, taking a leisurely swig. I kept an eye on him, curiously, but he seemed content to stay quiet and work through some stuff in his head. Finally, he looked up, his dirty white hair falling soft and unstyled into his dark eyes.  
“Hanbin?”  
He ventured. I arched my eyebrows but nodded. He was quiet again, eyebrows furrowed, and my attention was getting more focused by the minute. Donghyuk lived with him. He’d know if there was some reason, I never should have gone to bed with Hanbin last night. He’d been shy as hell as a trainee, but the boy had surely known his way around the bed last night. He might have turned into the biggest player in YG! That bed may have been getting such a workout you’d think it belonged in a love hotel! After a while, Donghyuk exhaled a slow breath. “He likes you.”  
“Sure seems to.”  
I drawled and a broad grin lit up his face. Rising to his feet he hooked an arm around my neck and pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead.  
“Then I’m alright with it.”  
A small smile curved my mouth. I really had missed this jerk horribly. “Want to know how I’ll move up from being alright to really damn ecstatic?”  
“If he bribes you?”  
I asked with interest and he gave a snort of laughter. In the darkness the moonlight made his pale hair glow and his smile was a secret thing.  
“If he convinces you to come back to YG. If he tells you that you still have a shot, if you’re brave enough to ask for it.”

“Oomph!”  
Hanbin jack knifed in bed as I landed on top of him.  
“What the hell is Donghyuk babbling about that I might still have a shot in YG?”  
Sucking air into his flattened lungs, Hanbin rolled me off him and then sat up. His eyes were shrewd.  
“That would probably be because over the last year Donghyuk and your other friends had been answering a lot of questions. What are you up to? Are you really travelling? Have you joined another agency? Have you gone back to school?”  
“So what? They’d be pissed if all their hard work went to the benefit of another company in the end.”  
Hanbin relaxed back against his pillows.  
“True.”  
He acknowledged. We sat in silence and I was getting more and more agitated.  
“Like I could just go back in there and say I made a mistake!”  
“Couldn’t you?”  
He asked quietly, his thick hair tangling with his eyelashes.  
“They’d laugh me out of the building!”  
“They might.”  
He said quietly. “Some mistakes are irreversible. But… some aren’t. Depends on how much you want it that you’ll admit that you were wrong.”  
I sat in my underwear and his T-shirt on his bed, reeling at how much my life had changed in just a couple of hours. I’d been running. All my plans for work or university or still more travelling had begun to feel hollow when I saw my friends and realised that I might have really, really messed up.  
“But what if they just tell me to go to hell?”  
I asked in a cracked whisper. Hanbin sat up and he twined his fingers through mine.  
“Then you’ll know.”  
He replied softly. “But what if you never tried? What might have happened? Now that’s the real thing you never want to look back on.”

I was in a bow so deep that my head almost touched my knees. I stood in the office of YG himself, with his Vice President and the head of the trainees.  
“You left.”  
YG commented neutrally. “I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how competitive our training programme is. Talent alone isn’t enough, not at all. Our Idols need a core of steel to be successful in this life. As you know. You told me that you didn’t have it.”  
I winced. In the future whenever I felt like making a grand statement like that, I’d ask Donghyuk to stuff a sock in my mouth!  
“At the time, I thought that was true. I needed this year in the outside world to realise what I really want, and to discover that I am strong enough to achieve it.”  
There was an irritable sigh from above me.  
“Oh, sit down.”  
YG snapped. “I can barely hear you, doubled up like that.”  
Gratefully I straightened up and sat down on one of the chairs, sucking air into my squished lungs.  
“I’m sorry.”  
Ducking my head to avoid the blowtorch brown eyes, I spoke the truth. “I really made a mistake. But if you take me back onto the programme, I can show you that I made good use of this year.”  
“And how is that?”  
Silently I pushed the book across the table to him. It contained reams and reams of manuscript paper of music and scrawled lyrics.  
“I never stopped writing.”  
I said simply. “I’m better than I used to be because I’m not a scared kid any more. I’m adult enough to admit that I made a huge mistake quitting and try to correct that mistake. Someone very special told me that some mistakes are irreversible, but some make you stronger, if you’re willing to learn from them.”

There was an expected crowd outside YG’s office when I opened the door. There must have been about thirty trainees out there, and nearest the door Hanbin leant against the wall with tension in his frame like a coiled spring. My eyes welled up with tears.  
“You guys…”  
Donghyuk hissed in a breath, his face paling.  
“They didn’t…?”  
We all jumped when the head of the trainees came out of the door right behind me. Seeing the crowd, he snorted.  
“I know for the fact that you have better things to do.”  
He growled ominously. “Go and do them. Now!”  
And then, almost casually, he turned towards me. “See the administrator to get your ID badge, locker and timetable.”  
And smiling slightly, he strolled through the crowd of trainees as they parted like the Red Sea at his passage. Hanbin grabbed my hand, his eyes wild.  
“Wait… they took you back?”  
I flung my arms around his neck and leapt up into his arms.  
“They took me back!”


End file.
